Who Needs Tickets?

Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year, and scalpers are retiring on this one.

Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is show is completely sold out and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."

The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."

Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive.

But a few minutes later, she turns around again.

"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"

The woman nods, and explains, "They're all at the funeral."

Brand New 2007 Pasta Diet That Really Works!

Brand New 2007 Pasta Diet That Really Works! Because I really care........

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You willa losea da weight!

AND..... CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

Killer Biscuits Wanted

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

Driving down the road.........

Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman.

Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, 'Your wife fell out of the car five miles back.'

Sam replies, 'Thank god for that... I'd thought I'd gone deaf!'

<-- Submitted by ID

The Kosher Top 10

Top Ten Ways To Know the Guy your daughter brought home for the
Passover Seder isn't gonna work out...

---

10. Hides the afikomen in his pants

9. Won't stop asking when the Latkas are going to be served

8. When welcoming Elijah he checks the chimney

7. After fourth time calling your wife "Ma' Nishtana" still hopes to get a laugh

6. In return for the Afikomen, he asks to see your Tax Returns

5. To comply with the Hagadah, he punches the person who reads the "Wicked Son" in the mouth

4. You are at the third cup of wine, he's on number 9

3. After the afikomen is stolen, he starts pocketing silverware

2. When everyone points to the Marror, he points directly at you

1. As a gift, he brings fresh baked Challah

<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

A rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach. The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."

The second lady nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!" The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"

The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

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