A rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

It was a Sabbath afternoon and Moshe stood looking out the window of the rabbi's study. "Rabbi," he said thoughtfully, "If one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save her or should one let her drown?"

The rabbi looked up from his studies, "It is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow," he replied.

"That's too bad. A cow has fallen into the lake and she's going under," Moshe continued.

"Yes, it's too bad," the rabbi muttered this time, without looking up from his studies.

"Her head is going under now," Moshe continued after a pause. "She's certainly lost now. I feel sorry for the beast."

"Yes," muttered the rabbi, "it's very sad. But what can one do?

"And I feel sorry for you," Moshe said.

"Why me?" said the rabbi looking up.

"It was your cow."

<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

How did you do that?

Moishe the farmer had made out a Will that stipulated how his prize cows would be shared out to his 3 sons on his death. He decided that half the cows should go to his eldest son, one third to his second eldest son and one ninth to his youngest son. He though this was fair.

Some years later he died and his sons knew that there were 17 cows. But they just couldn’t divide them according to their father’s wishes. So they had to call in the learned Rabbi.

After much thought, the Rabbi went away and returned with one of his own cows, making 18 cows. Then the Rabbi gave the oldest son 9 cows, the second son got 6 cows and the youngest 2 cows. There was still one cow left over, so the Rabbi took his cow back home with him.



<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital,
who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

He says, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"




<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

Paired off Parrots

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, "Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the rabbi inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house. His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!"



<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him.

The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"

<-- Return to Jewish Jokes