A rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

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Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach. The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."

The second lady nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!" The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"

The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

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It was a Sabbath afternoon and Moshe stood looking out the window of the rabbi's study. "Rabbi," he said thoughtfully, "If one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save her or should one let her drown?"

The rabbi looked up from his studies, "It is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow," he replied.

"That's too bad. A cow has fallen into the lake and she's going under," Moshe continued.

"Yes, it's too bad," the rabbi muttered this time, without looking up from his studies.

"Her head is going under now," Moshe continued after a pause. "She's certainly lost now. I feel sorry for the beast."

"Yes," muttered the rabbi, "it's very sad. But what can one do?

"And I feel sorry for you," Moshe said.

"Why me?" said the rabbi looking up.

"It was your cow."

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Moshe Vs the Pope

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.

The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."


An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything.

What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let
him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

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How did you do that?

Moishe the farmer had made out a Will that stipulated how his prize cows would be shared out to his 3 sons on his death. He decided that half the cows should go to his eldest son, one third to his second eldest son and one ninth to his youngest son. He though this was fair.

Some years later he died and his sons knew that there were 17 cows. But they just couldn’t divide them according to their father’s wishes. So they had to call in the learned Rabbi.

After much thought, the Rabbi went away and returned with one of his own cows, making 18 cows. Then the Rabbi gave the oldest son 9 cows, the second son got 6 cows and the youngest 2 cows. There was still one cow left over, so the Rabbi took his cow back home with him.



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Saleman

Rachel and Sarah meet one day in Brent Cross shopping center.

“Is it true, Rachel,” asks Sarah, “that your son Benjy has moved out of law?”

“Yes, it’s true,” replies Rachel, “he’s now a salesman in a tailor shop.”

“Mazeltov,” says Sarah, “but a salesman? Is he any good at it?”

Rachel replies, “Is he any good? Why he’s brilliant. Only yesterday a woman comes into his shop to buy a suit to bury her poor late husband in. And guess what my Benjy did?

He talked her into buying an extra pair of trousers.”

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The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital,
who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

He says, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"




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