The contest with God...

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."

God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?"

The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."

The scientist: "Sure! No problem".
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"

God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt."

<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him.

The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"

<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

This is a little known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-d, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" G-d said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"

<-- Return to Jewish Jokes

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Seven reasons why God Created Chavah

1. God was worried that Adam, being alone, would regularly get lost in the garden of Eden because he refused to ask for directions
2. God knew right from the start that Adam would eventually need someone to find the remote and then hand it to him
3. God knew that Adam didn’t have any idea how to choose the latest style of fig leaf when his old one wore out. He would therefore need someone to choose one for him
4. God knew that Adam would never be able to make an appointment with a doctor, dentist or hairdresser all by himself
5. God knew that Adam was having difficulty in remembering which days he needed to put the recyclable rubbish in the ‘green’ bin
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, Adam would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing
7. When God finished creating Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

<-- Submitted by SP

The dream

Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

<-- Jewish Jokes and Funny Side of Jewish Cooking

The engineer

Hette arrives home quite late one night and says to her worried Moishe, “Sorry I’m late. I had to come home by train, as I couldn’t get my car to start. But I’m sure I know why.”

“So what’s the problem then, my mechanical engineer of a wife?” asks Moishe.
“I think there’s water in the carburettor,” replies Hette.

“How on earth can you know that?“ says Moishe. “You don’t even know how to open the hood or to change the time on the car’s clock yet alone know where the carburettor is.”

“Maybe so,“ says Hette, “but I still think there’s water in it.”

Moishe then says, “OK, I’ll go along with you. Let’s check it out right now. Where did you leave the car?”

Hette replies, “In the lake!”


<-- Submitted by JC