Jewish Jokes

This guy walks into a bar

2009-09-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

This guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. There's a really good-looking girl alone at the end of the bar. He catches her eye, and smiles at her. She gives him an icy stare in return. A little while later he tries again, and is rebuked.

He calls the bartender over. "Listen, I'd really like to meet that girl, can you help me?" "Sure," says the bartender, "have you ever heard of Jewish Fly." "No, is it like Spanish Fly," replies the man. "Much better than that," says the bartender. He mixes the girl a drink, (with the Jewish fly of course) and gives it to her.

A little later she smiles at the man. After a few more minutes she begins to lick her lips suggestively. The man walks over, sits down and says, "May I get you another drink?" "No," she says in a deep sexy voice, "but you can take me shopping."

Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes by David Minkoff

2008-02-28T21:46:00.000-08:00

Jewish Jokes

On circumcision: ' It won't be long now,' said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.'

Marriage: 'Q: Why are many Jewish girls still single these days?
A: They have not yet met Dr. Right.'

Jewish telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.'

On the 23rd Psalm for Jewish princesses: 'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He leadeth me into Bloomingdale's.'

Jewish Humor

Who Needs Tickets?

2008-01-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year, and scalpers are retiring on this one.

Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is show is completely sold out and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."

The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."

Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive.

But a few minutes later, she turns around again.

"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"

The woman nods, and explains, "They're all at the funeral."

Brand New 2007 Pasta Diet That Really Works!

2007-04-18T15:00:00.001-07:00

Brand New 2007 Pasta Diet That Really Works! Because I really care........

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You willa losea da weight!

AND..... CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

Killer Biscuits Wanted

2007-04-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

Driving down the road.........

2007-02-09T17:24:00.000-08:00

Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman.

Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, 'Your wife fell out of the car five miles back.'

Sam replies, 'Thank god for that... I'd thought I'd gone deaf!'

<-- Submitted by ID

The Kosher Top 10

2007-02-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

Top Ten Ways To Know the Guy your daughter brought home for the
Passover Seder isn't gonna work out...

10. Hides the afikomen in his pants

9. Won't stop asking when the Latkas are going to be served

8. When welcoming Elijah he checks the chimney

7. After fourth time calling your wife "Ma' Nishtana" still hopes to get a laugh

6. In return for the Afikomen, he asks to see your Tax Returns

5. To comply with the Hagadah, he punches the person who reads the "Wicked Son" in the mouth

4. You are at the third cup of wine, he's on number 9

3. After the afikomen is stolen, he starts pocketing silverware

2. When everyone points to the Marror, he points directly at you

1. As a gift, he brings fresh baked Challah

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2007-02-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

A rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location! Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

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2007-02-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach. The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."

The second lady nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!" The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"

The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

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2007-02-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

It was a Sabbath afternoon and Moshe stood looking out the window of the rabbi's study. "Rabbi," he said thoughtfully, "If one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save her or should one let her drown?"

The rabbi looked up from his studies, "It is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow," he replied.

"That's too bad. A cow has fallen into the lake and she's going under," Moshe continued.

"Yes, it's too bad," the rabbi muttered this time, without looking up from his studies.

"Her head is going under now," Moshe continued after a pause. "She's certainly lost now. I feel sorry for the beast."

"Yes," muttered the rabbi, "it's very sad. But what can one do?

"And I feel sorry for you," Moshe said.

"Why me?" said the rabbi looking up.

"It was your cow."

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Moshe Vs the Pope

2007-02-09T09:04:00.000-08:00

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.

The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything.

What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let
him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

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How did you do that?

2007-02-09T09:01:00.000-08:00

Moishe the farmer had made out a Will that stipulated how his prize cows would be shared out to his 3 sons on his death. He decided that half the cows should go to his eldest son, one third to his second eldest son and one ninth to his youngest son. He though this was fair.

Some years later he died and his sons knew that there were 17 cows. But they just couldn’t divide them according to their father’s wishes. So they had to call in the learned Rabbi.

After much thought, the Rabbi went away and returned with one of his own cows, making 18 cows. Then the Rabbi gave the oldest son 9 cows, the second son got 6 cows and the youngest 2 cows. There was still one cow left over, so the Rabbi took his cow back home with him.

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Saleman

2007-02-09T08:59:00.000-08:00

Rachel and Sarah meet one day in Brent Cross shopping center.

“Is it true, Rachel,” asks Sarah, “that your son Benjy has moved out of law?”

“Yes, it’s true,” replies Rachel, “he’s now a salesman in a tailor shop.”

“Mazeltov,” says Sarah, “but a salesman? Is he any good at it?”

Rachel replies, “Is he any good? Why he’s brilliant. Only yesterday a woman comes into his shop to buy a suit to bury her poor late husband in. And guess what my Benjy did?

He talked her into buying an extra pair of trousers.”

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2007-02-09T08:58:00.000-08:00

The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital,
who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

He says, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"

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Buzz Off

2007-02-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.

"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."

Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.

"Great!" replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

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It's All Relative

2007-02-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was incarcerated in the state prison.

The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."

The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week.

"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."

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Paired off Parrots

2007-02-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, "Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the rabbi inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house. His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!"

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The contest with God...

2007-02-09T08:45:00.000-08:00

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God - "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."

God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?"

The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."

The scientist: "Sure! No problem".
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"

God replies, "No, no, no... You go get your own dirt."

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2007-02-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him.

The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"

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This is a little known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

2007-02-09T08:24:00.000-08:00

G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-d, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" G-d said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"

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2007-02-09T08:22:00.000-08:00

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Seven reasons why God Created Chavah

2007-02-09T06:13:00.001-08:00

1. God was worried that Adam, being alone, would regularly get lost in the garden of Eden because he refused to ask for directions
2. God knew right from the start that Adam would eventually need someone to find the remote and then hand it to him
3. God knew that Adam didn’t have any idea how to choose the latest style of fig leaf when his old one wore out. He would therefore need someone to choose one for him
4. God knew that Adam would never be able to make an appointment with a doctor, dentist or hairdresser all by himself
5. God knew that Adam was having difficulty in remembering which days he needed to put the recyclable rubbish in the ‘green’ bin
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, Adam would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing
7. When God finished creating Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

<-- Submitted by SP

The dream

2007-02-09T06:13:00.000-08:00

Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

<-- Jewish Jokes and Funny Side of Jewish Cooking

The engineer

2007-02-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

Hette arrives home quite late one night and says to her worried Moishe, “Sorry I’m late. I had to come home by train, as I couldn’t get my car to start. But I’m sure I know why.”

“So what’s the problem then, my mechanical engineer of a wife?” asks Moishe.
“I think there’s water in the carburettor,” replies Hette.

“How on earth can you know that?“ says Moishe. “You don’t even know how to open the hood or to change the time on the car’s clock yet alone know where the carburettor is.”

“Maybe so,“ says Hette, “but I still think there’s water in it.”

Moishe then says, “OK, I’ll go along with you. Let’s check it out right now. Where did you leave the car?”

Hette replies, “In the lake!”

<-- Submitted by JC

2007-01-10T08:56:00.000-08:00

A Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

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